Everyone agrees consent matters. Far fewer people can describe what it looks like at two in the morning in a loud room. This page is about the practice rather than the principle.
The four properties
Consent that actually protects people is:
- Freely given — not extracted through pressure, persistence, or someone’s position over you.
- Informed — they know what they are agreeing to, specifically.
- Enthusiastic — a clear yes, not the absence of a no. Hesitation is not agreement.
- Revocable — it can be withdrawn at any moment, including halfway through, with no explanation owed.
Miss any one of these and it is not consent, however the conversation felt at the time.
Consent is specific
Agreeing to one thing is not agreeing to the next thing. Dancing is not kissing. Kissing is not going further. Agreeing with one person is not agreeing with their friend. Agreeing last week is not agreeing tonight.
Re-ask when the activity changes. It takes three seconds and it is what experienced people do.
Where people get it wrong
Reading silence as yes. Someone who has frozen looks similar to someone who is enjoying themselves. If you are not getting active, positive signals, stop and ask.
Treating a location as permission. Being in a play area, wearing very little, or having played with you before communicates nothing about right now.
Alcohol and drugs. Someone significantly impaired cannot give meaningful consent, no matter what they say. If you are wondering whether they are too far gone, that is your answer.
Asking again after a no. Reframing the question is still asking again. So is asking their friend instead.
Groups. In a group setting, each person consents individually. Consent does not transfer between people who arrived together.
Withdrawing consent
You can stop anything, at any point, for any reason or none. You do not owe an explanation, an apology, or a softened delivery. “Stop”, “red”, or simply moving away is enough.
If someone makes you feel you owe them a reason, that is precisely the person to stop with.
If your consent is violated
It is not your fault, regardless of what you were wearing, how much you drank, or what you agreed to earlier. Tell a staff member — venues take this seriously and have people whose job it is. Take your time deciding what you want to do afterwards; you can report later.
In the UK, Rape Crisis offers free confidential support. Most countries have an equivalent service.
If you get it wrong
Stop immediately, apologise once, briefly, and give them space. Do not explain yourself, do not argue about what you meant, and do not make them manage your feelings about it. Then think honestly about what you missed, because getting it wrong twice is a pattern rather than a mistake.